Well, here we are again. Another relapse, another bounceback.
Still angry. Still confused. Still going.
I’m really feeling the weight of the past and the pain of relationships lost. Yet I’m not sure why. I have new friends and I have beautiful relationships that I want to cherish, but the past seems to override that.
What’s worse is how confusing our relationship is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to expect from our relationship. Am I supposed to expect blessings? Trials? Relief? Suffering? There are a lot of opinions out there about who You are and how You interact with us.
Why do You have to be so difficult?
I keep thinking that if You really loved me, I wouldn’t feel this way. But then I reflect on love and realize how very little I understand human love, so how could ever begin to ever dissect Yours? It’s hard to remember just how alien You are sometimes. How….unhuman.
I looked out at the foggy, morning mountains today and I saw You. I saw You in the faint sunlight that was breaking through the mist, and in the pastel sky. So beautiful. So complex.
I surrender and I confess. I am broken. Sexually, relationally, emotionally, spiritually, physically…I am broken. I lust, I cheat, I lie, and I rob myself of truth. I hate myself and disrespect the love of others for me.
Help. Help me in my weaknesses to always see You are sunrises and misty mountains; to see you in the orbiting spheres and distant stars. Teach me to love even when I’m promised hatred in return. Teach me to give, even to those who would steal more from me. Teach me to be peace for those who only bring me war.
Take this bleeding soul that has traversed the deepest Darkness and make it a beacon of Light.
Yours forever and always,