It is quite clear to most in my life that I have been severely demotivated of late.
Content-creation and creativity have been absent on all my social media platforms, my intentionality in health and wellness have decreased, and this past week I received an email from my school saying that I have been put on academic probation.
While my most recent class started off really well, I found myself overloaded with all the tasks and goals I had placed upon myself. As a result, I missed the passing grade by 1%.
Somehow, that feels worse than a clear-cut, full-fledge fail.
When I first started the masters in General Psychology at Regent, I kept it quiet. Why? Because I was afraid of a situation just like this. I was afraid that I would fail and everyone would know that I failed.
Realizing that fear and pride were taking control of my actions, I fought back and opened up to everyone about my academic pursuits. And now…here I sit in the very situation I dreaded.
Honestly…it isn’t so bad.
So I failed. Big whoop. I’m alive and I learned. I mean, I freaking learned a lot! Not jsut about the science of the mind, but I learned so much about myself as well.
I didn’t fail because I was unintelligent or lazy. I could argue that it wasn’t even “failure.” What I do was set a standard for myself that was unrealistic. I have been working full-time in a job that drains me of my life force, I’ve been doing school full time, I’ve been making plans to move and have been doing job applications and interviews, and I’ve been trying to start a photography business from scratch (which was at least 30 hours a week).
I attempted to exert energy beyond what any human is capable of. I bogged myself down with an incredible weight and then expected myself to fly. Yet, now I can see where I’ve grown and where I can grow further.
I sit here with my fears turned reality and I stare into the eyes of truth. And it turns out…they are a lot kinder than I could have ever expected them to be.