Rollercoaster

Nine months ago I walked out the door of my home in Kansas City for the last time. With my stuff packed up into a trailer, I departed from the best job of my life and took off into the unknown.

Why did I leave?

Over time, I found myself growing more and more unhealthy. I was losing bits of myself and I needed change. I had to get myself to an environment so that I could heal. But I didn’t leave only for me. I left for the dozens of people I loved.

I knew that my state of mind wasn’t only unhealthy for me, but it was unhealthy for those around me as well. I wanted to protect the people I love.

As I have traversed these past nine months, I have made a lot of changes and had more experiences than I could possibly process. While I’ve managed to become healthier, I still ended up losing some relationships that were very important to me because of my rollercoaster of change and transition.

Sadly, somethings simply aren’t reversible. There isn’t always a happy ending. You can’t always make amends with the people you’ve hurt. So what happens if you can’t fix something and when you pray to God to restore things but He says “no?”

You brace yourself.

You ride that rollercoaster to the end, you get off, and you don’t turn back. You accept it because to not accept it is to continue on in unnecessary pain. Every day must end, every season must change. The sun sets to rise again to something new.

Today I feel that pang of loss, but I hold my head up knowing that I’m in God’s hands and His love is enough. The world isn’t ending, though it might seem a shade darker for a time.

I may not get to see the restoration that I want, but I can trust Him to make good of this hurt and of the unhealthiness that I bore. I trust Him to continue loving me and to amplify the good that I’ve done rather than let darkness prevail.

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