There are nights when loneliness is so thick that even the intimacy of strangers seems oddly enticing. Days come and go where the thought of abandoning my calling and seeking my own fulfillment and satisfaction lay heavy on my mind. I feel the wretched jealousy in my heart over things that I have chosen to reject for the sake of holiness; for the sake of a God who too often I do not feel or hear.
In the 27 years I have been upon this Earth I cannot remember a time when I did not believe in God, but I can think of many times when I did not trust Him, and even more when I did not believe that He loved me.
Even in the midst of those dark times I somehow managed to stay consistent in my church attendance and in my prayers.
Truthfully I think this says more about God than it doesn’t about me. I know too much of my own heart and the wickedness inside. While many think that I’m “good man”, I know differently. Yet somehow…somehow I stay in the Light.
Sin crouches and chases after my heart. It is only grace that keeps me from falling into it again and again. The hardest thing for me to admit recently was that there are sins I don’t want to yield, that I don’t want to hand over. I want to cheat on God. Yet it is my desire to stay faithful to Him that keeps me from doing so, even if it’s just barely enough.
I imagine that this is what marriage is like for many. The great war of desire and the struggle to choose the one you love and committed yourself to over choosing your own selfish desires.
So once again I sit here in full acknowledgment of my wicked heart and my desire to live in sin and say, “God…forgive me and help me to love You. Have mercy on me and change my heart because I sure as Hell don’t want to do it myself.”