A Eulogy in Repetition

A couple of years ago, a close friend of mine challenged me to a spiritual exercise that I found…unusual.

The exercise was this: to write a eulogy for the version of me that I had found myself so desperately wanting to be, even though it was unrealistic. This “false me” was everything that was determined that I should be rather than what I am.

It was one of the most profound experiences that I’ve had to date. It started off like this:

On October 7th, in the year of our Lord 2015, the conjuration of a perfect Stephen Dewane Green II died a most tragic death: reality. He was a dreadful bastard that haunted the waking reality of a good, yet imperfect, human that sought to live a happy life. He brought misery and pain with his illusions of awe and worth. This sickening conjuration and ideology was a disruptor of inspiration and an idol that demanded every ounce of love and attention due to both God and to the man that so readily clung to this ghost of a ghost.”

The poetic flow continued as I faced the truth of the false god that I had created from the ill-placed beliefs of what I “should be”. I felt a mountain come off my shoulders as I reveled in the delight of having overthrown the dictator.

Yet once again I find myself bowing to that enslaving ideology that I constructed for myself. Though it has definitely weakened its grip since my last attempt to put him to rest, he still holds a great power over my will.

Isn’t that the nature of false gods though? Every time we overthrow them, do we not look up and find that we made another one just as hideous? It’s like any addiction, thought loop, or soul wound–it just keeps resurfacing over and over until it’s completely dealt with.

Just like any of the subjects on the aforementioned list, it requires humility, honesty, and hella determination!

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