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Self Destruct Sequence Initiated!

For as long as I can remember, I have been stuck in a world of negativity. With every person I’ve met, spent time with, was invested in by, and so on I have found myself making the same mistakes again and again. I have constantly allowed anxiety to take over the wheel of my life. As a result, I have sabotaged many of the relationships that I have.

I think back over the last 20 years and see the ways I erred.

through hindsight I can see all the ways out, all the ways I could have responded better or made better decisions the problem was that I couldn’t see them then.

And I am still guilty the same old habit self-sabotaging. Rather than recognizing the good things happening around me, I focused on what I felt was wrong. I sat and meditated on the things that bothered me rather than what was making me happy.

Thankfully, I have had some people who have seen the reasons behind my madness and loved me enough to see past my reactionary behavior. They have loved me through my darkest days and kept telling me the truth about who I am and what I can do.

In college, I drove my best friend away with  this behavior. I’ve pushed dozens of people out of  my life because I failed to love myself enough to believe they could be worthy of anything more than contempt.

Not too long ago I was living in a friend’s basement while I looked for work and  a roommate to move in with. I didn’t see him  often as I was usually out and about and/or being a bit avoidant.

After about a month my friend approached me to check in on me. He asked about my job searching, apartment hunting, and how I was doing emotionally and spiritually. Even though these were normal questions that any good friend would ask, I walked away from that conversation feeling like I had become a burden to my friends. I hit the self-destruct button and let my dark thoughts fly! I doubled my efforts as the feeling grew and I became even more avoidant.

Just a couple months before living with them, I was living with other friends further south and I began to feel those same feelings of being unwanted. I failed to see the good and the beauty that was present: the genuine love being offered. I kept my hand on the trigger, ready to hit that button at a moment’s notice.

I take great pride in my ability to love others well, yet I have a nasty habit of not believing the love others are trying to show to me. Why?  I’m afraid. I’m actually afraid of being loved! More specifically, I’m afraid of losing the love of another because I’m “not good enough to stick around for.” I cannot buy into the phrase “it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

As I told a friend of mine this week, I’d rather be wrong about a bad thing than be wrong about a good thing. In the end, I lose and never fully getting the good things…

Years ago I was dating this really beautiful girl. I mean absolutely gorgeous! Great hair, beautiful singing voice, and to top it off we had a lot in common!

Aaaannnd I messed it up! I crashed an incredible relationship because I was so certain that I was going to chase her away and that she could never truly love me. But she did…she did love me and I made it impossible for her to show it.

Ironically, in my fear of losing friendships and driving people away, I make it so.

I don’t have the answers for life. I’m finding out more each week just how human I am. I get stuck in thought loops and I self-sabotage. I am lonely because I make it so.

I wish I could go back in time but I can’t. I can’t undo the foolish shit I’ve said. I can only focus on fixing myself and hope that these people I love and want to make things up to can forgive me and give me another chance.

No, I don’t deserve it. But then again…what do any of us truly deserve? All I know is that I am growing. I am changing. And dammit, I am giving it my all so that I don’t live the rest of my life chasing away the people I care about the most.

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2 thoughts on “Self Destruct Sequence Initiated!

  1. matushkamarychristine November 30, 2017 — 2:13 pm

    I have struggled with the same problem. About 37 years ago, I was on a retreat weekend and went to confession. The priest did not give me absolution. He said he needed to pray about me because I was either guilty of an enormous pride or I had absolutely no sense of self worth. Thankfully, the next day he did give me absolution and explained that he had spent several hours praying for/about me the previous evening. He recommended that I take Jesus’ words from Matthew: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” I was confused: what was it about this that he meant me to see from this. Was I so lacking in love for God or for my neighbor? He explained: it was neither. What I did not see was that I was to love myself. How could I love my neighbor as myself if I didn’t love myself?
    God created me: a unique, female human, in His own image, with talents, gifts, personality, and a plan for my life. In not loving myself I was rejecting the very gift of God. I was judging His work flawed, inferior, even ugly.

    It took me years to assimilate this truth into my heart and soul (it is still an ongoing process). Take heart. He knows what He is doing. You are not powerful enough to thwart His plan. Believe what others see in you. They have a clearer sight sometimes than you.

    1. Thanks for this comment! What a beautiful story!

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