For as long as I can remember, I have been stuck in a world of negativity. With every person I’ve met, spent time with, was invested in by, and so on I have found myself making the same mistakes again and again. I have constantly allowed anxiety to take over the wheel of my life. As a result, I have sabotaged many of the relationships that I have.
I think back over the last 20 years and see the ways I erred.
through hindsight I can see all the ways out, all the ways I could have responded better or made better decisions the problem was that I couldn’t see them then.
And I am still guilty the same old habit self-sabotaging. Rather than recognizing the good things happening around me, I focused on what I felt was wrong. I sat and meditated on the things that bothered me rather than what was making me happy.
Thankfully, I have had some people who have seen the reasons behind my madness and loved me enough to see past my reactionary behavior. They have loved me through my darkest days and kept telling me the truth about who I am and what I can do.
In college, I drove my best friend away with this behavior. I’ve pushed dozens of people out of my life because I failed to love myself enough to believe they could be worthy of anything more than contempt.
Not too long ago I was living in a friend’s basement while I looked for work and a roommate to move in with. I didn’t see him often as I was usually out and about and/or being a bit avoidant.
After about a month my friend approached me to check in on me. He asked about my job searching, apartment hunting, and how I was doing emotionally and spiritually. Even though these were normal questions that any good friend would ask, I walked away from that conversation feeling like I had become a burden to my friends. I hit the self-destruct button and let my dark thoughts fly! I doubled my efforts as the feeling grew and I became even more avoidant.
Just a couple months before living with them, I was living with other friends further south and I began to feel those same feelings of being unwanted. I failed to see the good and the beauty that was present: the genuine love being offered. I kept my hand on the trigger, ready to hit that button at a moment’s notice.
I take great pride in my ability to love others well, yet I have a nasty habit of not believing the love others are trying to show to me. Why? I’m afraid. I’m actually afraid of being loved! More specifically, I’m afraid of losing the love of another because I’m “not good enough to stick around for.” I cannot buy into the phrase “it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
As I told a friend of mine this week, I’d rather be wrong about a bad thing than be wrong about a good thing. In the end, I lose and never fully getting the good things…
Years ago I was dating this really beautiful girl. I mean absolutely gorgeous! Great hair, beautiful singing voice, and to top it off we had a lot in common!
Aaaannnd I messed it up! I crashed an incredible relationship because I was so certain that I was going to chase her away and that she could never truly love me. But she did…she did love me and I made it impossible for her to show it.
Ironically, in my fear of losing friendships and driving people away, I make it so.
I don’t have the answers for life. I’m finding out more each week just how human I am. I get stuck in thought loops and I self-sabotage. I am lonely because I make it so.
I wish I could go back in time but I can’t. I can’t undo the foolish shit I’ve said. I can only focus on fixing myself and hope that these people I love and want to make things up to can forgive me and give me another chance.
No, I don’t deserve it. But then again…what do any of us truly deserve? All I know is that I am growing. I am changing. And dammit, I am giving it my all so that I don’t live the rest of my life chasing away the people I care about the most.