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A Prison All My Own

 

“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it…”

What wisdom I have is wrought out of making the same mistakes over and over and over. The pain I feel in the moment of a bad decision provides the inspiration I need to lead others in the right way. The way of truth. The way that I’m not taking haha.

I am so determined to believe that I am forever stuck and unchangeable that I end up acting out of my false beliefs to the point fulfilling my own prophecies. I tell myself that I’m not a good mentor or friend or worthy of having a family. So I openly proclaim it and look for any and every sign that it’s true. I practically beg people to affirm my false beliefs.

Just the other day I found myself texting two beloved friends in my life. I kept saying a bunch of fatalistic, negative statements about various issues I was dealing with. After some time I began to realize that I didn’t like their responses.

“Why won’t they just tell me I’m wrong and that ___________ is hopeless already?!” I thought to myself.

That’s when it hit me. I was looking for them to tell me the negative; to reinforce my thoughts concerning myself. But why? Well, I asked one of my friends that very question. He responded with “Because it’s easy…”

There are a lot of things that I’ve done because they are hard. When it comes to having real relationships and genuine friendships, I sabotage them because I’m so convinced that I’m toxic and not worthy of them that I make it true, and then I am hurt when I’m not wanted anymore.

It’s insane that I have had so many stick around after the way that I’ve expressed my innermost fears so repeatedly. I think of that and realize that I have so much good about me that even my sabotaging is overridden, and thank God for that reality because I lacked the awareness I needed to keep myself from losing people.

It took going through one of those moments of self-sabotage this week and the self-inflicted pain to realize these things. I may have sabotaged myself out of as many as 4 beautiful friendships. Only time will tell if my actions can be forgiven and the damage undone.

I have no one to blame but myself. After a great deal of processing, I now realize my more than ever that I have a need to focus on developing self-compassion.

I took all of my past hurt and struggles with self-worth and let it all manifest itself in such a way that I solidified the end of a mentoring relationship that I had grown from and valued.

If I had learned to value myself more, perhaps I could have navigated the bumpy waters that I was experiencing instead of turning choppy waters into a monsoon.

 

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